incessant mental noise
I can't seem to sleep tonight. This is what going thru my head...things I should've said or asked in the past but didn't:
1. Dad, I forgive you. Let's move on.
2. I'm going thru an intense bout of depression. Could you stay a bit longer?
3. Yeah, let's give us a shot.
4. No, I don't think its right to petition against gay marriage.
5. I hate the fact that we just can't communicate.
6. Where do I stand?
I'm sure theres more but these six instances keep coming back to me. But as they do, I envision what the alternative would be had I given life to these (what were once difficult but now seem simple) words. Life would definitely be different...better or worse, I don't know...some scars would never have been caused while some of these different routes may have lead me down paths I may not have been prepared for.
What prevented me before? Fear...of rejection...of failure...the underlying theme of my life. These two forces are like the strong undertow sweeping opportunities and hopes away to the dark depths of the sea. And yet, even at 25, I feel as though I'm still in the midst of the current, unable to swim out and yet unwilling to cry for help as though knowing I will never fully drown in them, just struggle in the swirling waters; as if the sense of familiarity that comes with it is something I've accepted and almost expect. I know their causes, and I see their effects and yet...
Admitting this does little to ease my mind and spirit. I've had this conversation before. Perhaps, this much self-analysis isn't healthy. But Plato did always say an un-examined life isn't worth living( or something to that effect). Do I regret any of it? Regret is a strong word...besides, these omissions have shaped who I am today. Whether or not I like it is irrelevant, I think. The important part is the perpetual journey forward. Although, "Where do I stand?" intrigues me the most right now...hahaha...
1. Dad, I forgive you. Let's move on.
2. I'm going thru an intense bout of depression. Could you stay a bit longer?
3. Yeah, let's give us a shot.
4. No, I don't think its right to petition against gay marriage.
5. I hate the fact that we just can't communicate.
6. Where do I stand?
I'm sure theres more but these six instances keep coming back to me. But as they do, I envision what the alternative would be had I given life to these (what were once difficult but now seem simple) words. Life would definitely be different...better or worse, I don't know...some scars would never have been caused while some of these different routes may have lead me down paths I may not have been prepared for.
What prevented me before? Fear...of rejection...of failure...the underlying theme of my life. These two forces are like the strong undertow sweeping opportunities and hopes away to the dark depths of the sea. And yet, even at 25, I feel as though I'm still in the midst of the current, unable to swim out and yet unwilling to cry for help as though knowing I will never fully drown in them, just struggle in the swirling waters; as if the sense of familiarity that comes with it is something I've accepted and almost expect. I know their causes, and I see their effects and yet...
Admitting this does little to ease my mind and spirit. I've had this conversation before. Perhaps, this much self-analysis isn't healthy. But Plato did always say an un-examined life isn't worth living( or something to that effect). Do I regret any of it? Regret is a strong word...besides, these omissions have shaped who I am today. Whether or not I like it is irrelevant, I think. The important part is the perpetual journey forward. Although, "Where do I stand?" intrigues me the most right now...hahaha...
posted by danny at 10/12/2005 12:32:00 AM
1 Comments:
it's good to see your thoughts out there and it seems like the move to NYC has given you some great self reflective time. it's a crazy world.
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