state of the union
Do you know what really irks me? Forced smiles...putting up a facade to mask something lingering beneath the surface. What sucks is that sometimes, thats all we can do...is to pretend life is "fine", that the sorrow and hurt and disappointment and anger and cynicism that we experience is too overwhelming for others to bear...b/c we can barely contain it and maintain our sanity...that if we hinted at such things, it would overwhelm us and we'd lose control...what I hate even more than forced smiles is that I've found myself doing it lately..."How are you doing, Danny?" (smiling with a false pretense) "Good."
Why am I engaging in a practice that I despise? What am I doing something that goes against the fabric of my being? Its because the flavor of my life is bland right now. Not that life sucks or is boring...but its like no matter what happens, at the end of the day when I'm driving home or when I'm in that moment when the world stops and I'm alone with just my thoughts and emotions, I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth that I cannot get rid of...that despite the good things that happen, they can't wash away this...this sour taste that seeps thru my mind and spirit...that no matter what I do, no matter how intense my desire to serve you...you leave me feeling like this...you let the last moments of my day be filled with sorrow and hurt and disappointment and anger and cynicism...and not love or meaning or excitment or joy or peace...
Am I being selfish? Is it self-centered of me to want to wrap up a long day with a sense of calmness? Am I too focused on myself by having this desire to commune with you before I begin anew the next day?
I would not do this to my son...what good is unconditional love when it isn't felt? And the crazy thing is that despite all this, I still love you...and I know you still love me, then why? I don't want to talk about this anymore...I don't even feel like posting this...
Why am I engaging in a practice that I despise? What am I doing something that goes against the fabric of my being? Its because the flavor of my life is bland right now. Not that life sucks or is boring...but its like no matter what happens, at the end of the day when I'm driving home or when I'm in that moment when the world stops and I'm alone with just my thoughts and emotions, I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth that I cannot get rid of...that despite the good things that happen, they can't wash away this...this sour taste that seeps thru my mind and spirit...that no matter what I do, no matter how intense my desire to serve you...you leave me feeling like this...you let the last moments of my day be filled with sorrow and hurt and disappointment and anger and cynicism...and not love or meaning or excitment or joy or peace...
Am I being selfish? Is it self-centered of me to want to wrap up a long day with a sense of calmness? Am I too focused on myself by having this desire to commune with you before I begin anew the next day?
I would not do this to my son...what good is unconditional love when it isn't felt? And the crazy thing is that despite all this, I still love you...and I know you still love me, then why? I don't want to talk about this anymore...I don't even feel like posting this...
posted by danny at 1/19/2005 02:04:00 PM
3 Comments:
have u figured out why we refuse to be honest with others about our true feelings and conditions? i think in some cases it varies from person to person. there are those who wear their hearts on their sleeves... but it's funny because sometimes those types of ppl are responded to negatively...as if they seem needy. and there are those who can't admit they are hurting due to pride issues or expectations. and there are those who fear vulnerability and the thought that someone might want to just hold them for a while. it's odd that we all have these ideas. and these fears. i believe ultimately humans want to feel held. to feel comforted and safe. to know that despite all the corruption and tragedy around, there is still some form of solice in the world. but we perhaps overlook it or fear the thought of being completely see through and so we put on the smile. i think the line between being fake and stand-offish is somewhat fine at times. but...that's just my opinion. i can tell when ur not necessarily doing well, but when i ask...u don't seem to want to talk. and i myself am often the same. anyway, i hope ur having a good day today at least. i love u friend...even though i can't fully graps the concept of that word. ...shannon
Empitness is something that all humans experience because that's the nature of what we are. We are all social animals seeking to be filled by others. It's not that we're selfish...we can find joy in sharing joy and not only in receiving. Why we feel like wearing a smile on the outside? I don't know. There are some people that we trust with our deepest fears. Many Christians have the "problem" of being considerate and don't want to burden others with their problems even with the closest of friends and family. I get some knocks for being Hawaiian, but I can say one thing...Aloha is the greatest thing that exists in the culture. It's all about love and helping others in times of need or just on an everyday basis. We hug and kiss everyone...breaking through the walls that people like to hide behind. We always eat together...there's something about eating that's inherently good. We openly cry...even if a lot of guys are nothing but muscle. It's all about loving and being loved. I like to forget about all the other stuff (mostly money) because it doesn't matter. WWJD-probably tell you a joke to make you forget about everything that's weighing on you. MIKE
Friends...I think thats one of very few things that keep me sane right now. I totally didn't feel like going to Wed. nite b/c...I just didn't want to have to look people in the eyes and not be real. I mean I don't feel like I can open up to every single person in the room and so its just easier to be alone. I didn't even want to go Thurs. nite at first, but I realized that it would be good for me to be surrounded by good friends. If not to talk, at least to just be there. I figured if you can make after a long day Mike, I can get over myself and my issues and share in the experience too.
Shannon, what you said about wanting to be held is so true. You know, on my way home from Hume, I was a bit sad. I longed for someone to take time to be there when I got back...I wished I had that companion who was eager for my return and couldn't wait to hear what went on that weekend...thats probably more of a selfish desire than anything. Wednesday was a tough day for me...I have bouts of depression and isolation from time to time and Wednesday was one of them. But we gotta wait patiently right? Whatever...
Post a Comment
<< Home