I witnessed death tonight...its the first time I've been present to watch life slip away...what an eerie feeling...such pain and sorrow emanating from those around me...I just sat there silent and still, praying for comfort and peace...any words from my lips seem dry and cheap...

coincidence?

How weird is this? I just opened an account for this girl who had my exact birthdate. Yes...month, day, year... now, maybe that is a little unusual but nothing really out of the ordinary right? So I thought until I looked at her address. The apartment that she lives in right now is the exact same apartment I lived in for over 15 years! She had moved in rigth after we moved out 3 years ago...Plus, she works for Netflix which I had to contact the other day regarding a missing dvd...whoa, whats this all that about?

internal affairs

I had lunch with an important person in my life today. It was so great being able to share and be in his presence...I mean, this is someone who has been instrumental in the development of my life and of my faith. And yet, this was the first time I've connected with him in a very long while...looking at how my life is spent in the past year or so, you wouldn't even know who this person is or how much of a blessing he's been to my family and I...and thats when this gut-wrenching, unavoidable feeling came about: I am such a selfish individual. It seems that more often than not, what I seek is immediate gratification. That amidst the myriad of things that swirl in my mind, the overriding desire is to do only what I want to do, what I like to do right here and now...the times when I do set aside my own agenda and look beyond myself are few in comparison...and yet, it is during those times that I feel most alive and joyful not just placated or entertained like I do when I pursue my own wants...I find myself cutting corners, putting important things aside, brushing people off in order to hoard more time,more energy to do nothing of significance or noteworthy, wasteful investments that are temporal and fleeting...yet it goes on day after day after day...
Am I still this immature? this child-like? this self-absorbed? I know there is a place for fun and doing what you like and what-not but has that become my life's campaign? Maybe not that far, but enough to make me cringe at the opportunities for good that I've neglected or, worse, ignored.
If I had to describe myself in one word tonight, it would be wretched.

first house party

I was at Kristi and Craig's new house last night, and even though it wasn't completely done yet, it was really cool to hang out in. It wasn't the windows(which looked sweet) or anything in particular that really stood out but what captivated me was the fact that this home is something that they have literally built from the ground up together. My family doesn't own a home, and so I look forward to that day when I do with great expectation. But to be able to design and construct a home yourself where your family grows together, a place where everlasting memories are formed, where so much life transpires...it truly blows me away. The image of them working with their hands day in and day out to accomplish this remarkable feat makes their new home so much more meaningful and special for the years to come.
And its the same thing with Adam and Aaron's place up at Kirkwood. I don't know what it is about using your hands and feet to build your own house...I've noticed it with several of my good friends...maybe because I'm not a part of that process, I don't really understand or fully grasp it but nevertheless, it still amazes me.

Quarter-life crisis

Starting next Monday, I will be on vacation until the first week of January...oh how sweet does that sound? I just can't wait to sleep in and have time to do nothing. There a more than a few books I'm in the middle of and really want to finish so that I can start on some others I got last week. I'm looking forward to spending some time to myself...probably get away for a few days...somewhere close where I can drive to but yet far enough to be away. It'll be cool if I can make it out to Kirkwood to see Adam and Aaron's place.
Last night, I had a fortune cookie that read,"He who seeks will find." Not bad, sounds like that verse in Matthew...but the question is, how longs it gonna take? I've been seeking God's guidance and direction, trying to discern where or what He wants me to do next but for the most part, He's been silent. And I know that doesn't mean He's not responding just that He's not doing so the way I would like. Seriously, I would like to think that if I had a "burning bush" encounter, I would totally follow. The only think I can surmise is that maybe I'm not ready yet, that He's still working in me and around me in preparation of whats to come. Or that theres something now that I'm missing or supposed to be doing that I'm not.
Its so weird...one one hand I'm anxious and eager to dive right into the great things He's planned for me already...yet on the other, I'm sorta content with the here and now. There are things happening and different elements that I'm involved in that seems to be placed before me by God. So maybe, thats it. Maybe the reason He hasn't revealed the next step is to keep me from being distracted, so I can concentrate on this step. I don't know but I wrestle with this...not all the time but enough to keep me up. I just don't want to be doing something if it isn't really what He has in stored for me. So, I plan to spend that time away during my vacation to seek God's heart...for revelation and manifestation of His will...for His Spirit to continue to speak and move around me and through me.
So, hopefully I will end the year on a good note and start the next in the right way as well. This year has gone by so quick. I hear they tend to do that as one gets older. I can't believe I'm 25 next month...25? Shoot...

Acts

Christian community...what does this actually mean? How does it really look like? What does it consist of? Who's a part of it? When does it happen? "Community" is a word that gets tossed around a lot and has very different connotations attached to it. Is it the same as church or even congregation? Is it something we do or something we are? It has been weighing on my mind as of late and was sparked by an awesome experience I was a part of recently.
I gathered together with some of my closest friends for a special time of just being...in each other's lives, in the presence of our Lord...it was a moment where I felt spiritually linked with my King, just overwhelmed by His Spirit and in the same breath, I was connecting with my brothers and sisters there too...there have not been many times in the past couple of years where I have been engaged in worship with others at such a level. Everyone there was worshiping with the same focus, same mindset, as one body, in the same Spirit...prayer, praises, meditation,sharing just overflowed from from the joy and peace in our hearts...I sensed the prodding and nudging of the Holy Spirit, the faint whispering of God through the words spoken, thoughts shared and at times, in the midst of the silence and stillness. It was a welcomed respite, a time to rest more than anything...resting in our Father's arms, in the love of the people in the room. It was freeing and liberating...for that period of time, I was able to put aside the worries and distractions of life. As the evening unfolded, one singular thought kept coming in and out,"Isn't this what its about?" That night gave me such dynamic picture of community- coming closer to our Lord as we grow closer to each other. I believe that aspect is at the heart of community, the foundation of church...allowing God to completely overwhelm my life so that He overflows into lives of my friends, my co-workers, my family, my sphere of influence.
Community is vital to our faith. God himself is in constant,complete communion with his Son and his Spirit. Whenever the early church is mentioned, its always in the form of community. The disciples' lives were always criss-crossing and intersecting with each other. They lived as a sacrifice to God as well as to each other. It is something I desire to become, to take part in, to live...Its been my prayer that I will be used as a catalyst/an agent for true community, to look for opportunities to open my life, to pursue God in all his ways... to be active in lives around me, constantly aware that this experience is a shared one, not a a solo one.

dicey proposition

I've been praying for patience...which takes the saying "be careful what you wish for" almost literally. In the recent weeks, I've been really testy with people especially on the road. Its something I've struggle with in the past, and its starting to re-surface again. It happened again today...actually, I let it happen again...Its weird because I'm telling myself to relax and to respond with the Spirit but then all of a sudden, it just erupts...I can see it about to happen and yet unable to do anything...idiot gosh!!!
Father, forgive my unyielding spirit. Fill me with your Spirit Lord. Teach me patience and calmness. Guide my thoughts and guard my heart.

TV...heck yeaaah!

We just got our cable hooked up today. And not a moment sooner either because I only watch TV on Thursdays. The Apprentice 2 isn't nearly as good as last season. The two finalists, Kelly and Jen, aren't as spectacular as Bill and Kwame. I think Kelly has it in the bag as long as it doesn't rain at the polo club, but it was entertaining to watch Jen and Sandy go at it without pulling any punches. I thought someone was gonna get back-handed.
Survivor-wise, I can't believe Twila and Scout(of all people) are in the final four. This is indicates a few things: 1) this season has been void of any real strategist 2) nobody has a personality that stands out. In the other seasons, there were one or two people who represented the season but not here unless you're thinking of possibly Ami or Eliza...thats a bit of a stretch though 3) inherent flaws in the game are made evident in this season: Eliza has the most votes against her and much more than many others that were casted off but yet made final four? What strategy can Twila and Scout claim to have devised to explain how inept and incompetent other people were to allow them to stay?
Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the conclusion of both shows for a few reason. One, I can do something else on Thursday nights again...pathetic, I know. Two, I'm interested how Ami, Julie, and Eliza look in "real" life. Three, the end of this season means a preview of the next!
Joey has been entertaining but has been relegated to being watched intermittently between Survivor commercials. Its a little disappointing but every now and then, he just kills me.
Oh yeah, Tommy just got Napoleon Dynamite on the computer. Good times...good times!

wow...

I just saw the Ultimate Matrix Collection giftset thing at Circuit City and wow...its wicked sic. I can't do pics yet but check this out http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0002Y69NQ.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg . I didn't like the two sequels(I'll explain in detail if anyone wants to hear it) but I think I might just have to pick this baby up even though I don't want shell out that much money. I'm trying to fight it as much as I can...don't know how much longer I can put it off...

12 steps to nothing

Are we meant to be this busy? That question kept racing through my mind yesterday while I was in a boardmeeting at work. During my day off on Tuesday, I had planned to just rest on my couch, read a little, pray and even possibly take a much needed nap. But one thing after another kept coming up pulling me away from any down time. That night during my staff gathering, I was wiped out. It killed me to be like that because that was the time I was most looking forward to. It seems I'm more busy on my day off then when I'm actually working.
Yesterday, I worked all day. There was a meeting afterwards, and then I raced over to pick up a friend on my way to see a good buddy of mine play at the Gaslighter.(Good show by the way-highlight of my day.) Having things occupy our time isn't all bad because investing in people and spending time doing important things is something I'm striving to do more of. But it seems that my life and my body is in constant motion to do, and yet my mind and spirit is wired to just be...still,silent,before the Lord. It is a strange dichotomy. A struggle that is always right underneath the surface-to put aside some of the small,meaningless things that I can do without, that I don't always have to consume time with something. I'm trying to make more of an effort to do less especially with the holiday madness that is Christmas looming on the horizon.

the most versatile word on this planet

How many times have you used this word? How many different ways have you used this word? Isn't it crazy how such a simple four-letter word expresses so much and so little at the same time?http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6676586/?GT1=5936

you're kidding right?

Come on dude. Really, come on. http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/usworld/news-article.aspx?storyid=28783

Sporadic Insomniac

I have not been able to sleep in the past week. The recent move to a new house probably factors in somehow. Maybe my body and mind have not been able to adjust to its new environment. But it has been kinda cool to lay there in silence, being still before the Lord. I find myself being in somewhat of a dreamy state of consciousness and yet fully aware at the same time. Peculiar.
I read this article during one of these episodes http://www.blahonline.net/features.php?feature_id=14. I found it to be pretty straight forward and dead on. I share a lot of the same thoughts that the writer has. I read it with the church that I'm with in mind. The elders have recently casted this vision that centered on the focus of "Reach and Grow". I think the direction is great but the premise concerns me. A lot of the "outreach" or "evangelism" hinges upon people coming to the building. Sure, there is effort to venture out but only with the intent to bring someone back to the corner of Minnesota and Hicks. I can't help but be reminded of Jesus and his encounter with the woman at the well. He sought her out where she was and connected with her physical need first by addressing her thirst and the reason why she was there that day. He then took that connection and engaged her emotionally and then spiritually. She didn't need to go back to the synagogue or wait for the right day or time but was able to experience something life altering then and there. Jesus met her in her own space and time. I find that, even as followers of Christ, we don't really follow his example because we often times do it backwards. We attempt to speak to people on a spiritual level first or get them to come to a "service" before we seek to engage them emotionally, mentally, or even meet their physical needs.
In Mike Pilavachi's book Soul Survivor, he outlines a great description of the Christian mode of "evangelism". He postulates that the church is sorta like a castle fortress with a huge moat around it. Inside, people are living in a separate world and being trained so that they are convincing and effective in bringing the"people out there" to join "us in here". Every so often, they have a huge event where the drawbridge comes down and they are let loose into the countryside to round up more castle dwellers. Its funny to read but there is truth to that illustration. Jesus wouldn't be found in the castle, would he? I think he be in the villages or along the hillside or at the local pub. If thats where his ministry and heart is, shouldn't the majority of my focus be there too? Granted there are matters in the castle that need to be addressed and people need to be ministered to,discipleship, fellowship and all that good stuff but all that is with the intent to live in Christ outside where most our lives unfold and intersect with other villagers.
It would seem that to a certain extent, we have replaced Church with Christ. How and when this occurred is a separate mind boggler in and of itself. The way Church is approached and carried out sometimes saddens me. See the thing is, my family and I have been touched by God through the PEOPLE of the church in so many ways;its incredible to be graced by God in such a manner. But yet it seems that CHURCH has somehow reduced this aspect and we are left mainly with meetings, budgets, and programs in the guise of ministry. The Sunday service seems to be the dominant element of the Christian faith and the most visible representation of CHURCH. Yet that should only be one of many elements not its most important. Can we just "be the church" and no longer "go to church"? Is this not the way its supposed to be?

The Big Bang

I've decided to begin chronicling this journey I'm on. I've realized that some of the best, most meaningful, most insightful things in life fade away without recollection. I now believe in the importance of recording such moments as they come about, capturing life in all its components. This mindset was inspired in observation of a good friend of mine, witnessing the amount of wisdom and life flowing through such written passages. I'm eager to embark, hoping that through and by examination and awareness, I will grow and mature in my life and in my faith.